Thursday, August 30, 2012

My Mother's Fixation on When I "Go Out"

I really don't know what it is, but like clockwork, my mother starts getting what I like to call "weird moods" (aka, NPD flare ups) when the new school year semester is about to begin. I am not sure exactly what to cause is. All I know is it's extremely easy to cross her the wrong way and end up in words with her over the most stupid and trivial matters. My guess is that she is used to me mostly being at home during the summer, if you don't count the days I go to work. As I have touched upon previously (I think?) in other posts, my NM's main obsession with me is the man I chose to be my fiance. She has insane, nonsensical, and prefabricated reasons for hating him and her behavior is so intolerable that I'm forced to see him without her knowing because I still live with her and don't want to endure the emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse she has given the times I've tried to fight against her controlling of me with this situation.

So yes, it's my prediction that she knows classes starting mean that I will be out of the house most of the time which equates in her mind as "chances" for me to meet my fiance. It's incredibly selfish behavior because she is aware that I am nervous whenever a new school year is about to begin. I often wonder if she's even aware that she is acting like this or if it's more of a subconscious thing. Hell, what am I saying - the behavior is SELFISH to begin with since she is causing me to have to SNEAK AROUND at my age to see the man I love because she has nonexistent "issues" with him. See how you almost normalize the insanity without realizing at times?

Similar to how she acts weird over the idea of me being at home less because of school, my NM acts even more controlling and suffocating when it comes to me voluntarily deciding to "go out". Whenever I want to go anywhere for whatever reason, I need to give my mother a detailed game plan of how my day is going to be.

Dialogue/questions/"requests" (more like demands if you ask me) I experience with her when she discovers I have plans to go out of the house?

"What time do you think you will be home?"

"You won't be out too long, right?"

"You will be home before dinner, right?"

"Where will you be going?"

"What time are you setting your alarm tomorrow morning?"
[to which I will respond with a time, which is always answered with the following...]
"What?? That early? You're not leaving the house that early, are you?"

"Make sure you leave your cell phone on so I can call you."

Whenever I go anywhere, be it with friends or alone, no matter what the place - this is the battery of questioning I face each time. I mean it when I say that. Every. Time. Now under normal circumstances, one could say it's just a mother caring or showing interest in her daughter's plans for the day. But as you can see, this goes beyond that. And you can just tell when someone is asking you out of genuine interest versus to be an engulfing entity in your life who is not satisfied unless she knows your every move. God forbid I don't hear the phone ring in my purse when she calls. Then I must explain why I missed the phone call and feel sick to my stomach when I notice a missed call. When I tell my fiance these things, he is in complete shock and disgusted with her. He often asks, "Does she think you are married to her?"

All I know is whenever I go out places, whether it be to meet up with friends or run personal errands for myself, it's like the third degree and makes me feel dread and upset to "break the news" to her. I feel like I need to put on this poker face and act like I'm unbothered and completely calm/cool about it - when inside, I am anything but that. It's really a terrible thing to have to go through. The sad thing is you find yourself normalizing this insanity because it's your life on a daily basis. However, when you step back and examine it, when you actually write about it, it becomes clear just how absurd the arrangement you're currently living in is.


  1. That sounds so true! Except that my mom started to think that my boyfriend is drug user and some other crazy things. And those questions where am I going and when I'm coming home.. argh!
    When lived at home she came to woke me up on school mornings even though she knew that I had the alarm clock to wake me up.

    I can tell you (and I bet it is this) that more than normal mother caring, it is hard to explain what it is, but is absolutely more than that!

    Thank God it is over for me now. Feels amazing that you can still live with her, as for me, I haven't been in terms with my mom since she got nuts about my boyfriend and started to disturb my mental health by those actions.

    I'm happy that you have realized what kind of mom she really is.

    Take care!

  2. Hi, your mother seems to also be Borderline. Their biggest deepest fear is abandonment...but they conceal it b/c they fear vulnerability. Whatever it is, it's so unfair.
    Good luck!

  3. My gosh.. My mom asks the same questions (I'm a 23 year old male doing a masters degree). She adds to that:
    -Who are you going out with?
    -Why are you going?
    -What are their contact details?
    -What time are you coming back? [to which is added]
    --Dont drink and drive.
    --Dont come home that late, what can you honestly be doing out that late?

    But she controls me with money because she pays for everything so I need to be indebted to her for some reason?

    I sometimes wonder how it was possible that she gained custody of my brother and I when my parents divorced when I was 5. If my dad had won I wouldnt have been as messed up now as I am :/

    She also tends to find my online profiles (facebook/twitter/instagram) and use that to keep tabs on me. I try keep those on private but she figures things out.

    I just realised now that I lost a friend because of her. I probably lost more friends because of her but theres one in particular who left me as a friend after I came out clean and said that I had treated my mom badly (not knowing what monster she actually was).

    1. Son get your masters, get job and get the hell out!

  4. Oh and heres my phonecalls from today alone:

    10:29 2mins
    11:07 ignored
    12:19 3 mins (had to break news to her that my car isnt working)
    16:46 ignored
    16:46 ignored
    17:09 ignored
    17:11 called her (plucked up enough courage after 3 text messages). She explained how bad I am for something something so I put the phone under a pillow and let her shout. After 10 mins the signal cut out
    17:22 she called back to add more about how bad I was. I told her shes hurting me and if she wanted to get hold of me she could email me. (5 mins).

    Then I got 2x texts saying how i NEED (caps is NB) to meet her to discuss how to fix the car, she apparently has a plan.

    ...story of our lives I guess?

  5. Wow....this forum is just what I needed. My mthr does the exact sAmerican thing uf she sees me or my sister getting dressed to leave the house. My sister recently had a baby, and my mthr seems to be a little jealous. Sh talks to my sister like shes a teen mom without a clue !! Itsc getting worse...smh

  6. NPD seems to be almost the norm for many western women, - almost - no wonder so many guys have stopped dating!

  7. FYI:-

  8. I don't understand why you're still associating with a crazy maker. Why do you feel you owe her anything? Biological connection is not a valid reason to remain in a dysfunctional dynamic. I think you enjoy the drama.