Thursday, August 30, 2012

My Mother's Fixation on When I "Go Out"

I really don't know what it is, but like clockwork, my mother starts getting what I like to call "weird moods" (aka, NPD flare ups) when the new school year semester is about to begin. I am not sure exactly what to cause is. All I know is it's extremely easy to cross her the wrong way and end up in words with her over the most stupid and trivial matters. My guess is that she is used to me mostly being at home during the summer, if you don't count the days I go to work. As I have touched upon previously (I think?) in other posts, my NM's main obsession with me is the man I chose to be my fiance. She has insane, nonsensical, and prefabricated reasons for hating him and her behavior is so intolerable that I'm forced to see him without her knowing because I still live with her and don't want to endure the emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse she has given the times I've tried to fight against her controlling of me with this situation.

So yes, it's my prediction that she knows classes starting mean that I will be out of the house most of the time which equates in her mind as "chances" for me to meet my fiance. It's incredibly selfish behavior because she is aware that I am nervous whenever a new school year is about to begin. I often wonder if she's even aware that she is acting like this or if it's more of a subconscious thing. Hell, what am I saying - the behavior is SELFISH to begin with since she is causing me to have to SNEAK AROUND at my age to see the man I love because she has nonexistent "issues" with him. See how you almost normalize the insanity without realizing at times?

Similar to how she acts weird over the idea of me being at home less because of school, my NM acts even more controlling and suffocating when it comes to me voluntarily deciding to "go out". Whenever I want to go anywhere for whatever reason, I need to give my mother a detailed game plan of how my day is going to be.

Dialogue/questions/"requests" (more like demands if you ask me) I experience with her when she discovers I have plans to go out of the house?

"What time do you think you will be home?"

"You won't be out too long, right?"

"You will be home before dinner, right?"

"Where will you be going?"

"What time are you setting your alarm tomorrow morning?"
[to which I will respond with a time, which is always answered with the following...]
"What?? That early? You're not leaving the house that early, are you?"

"Make sure you leave your cell phone on so I can call you."

Whenever I go anywhere, be it with friends or alone, no matter what the place - this is the battery of questioning I face each time. I mean it when I say that. Every. Time. Now under normal circumstances, one could say it's just a mother caring or showing interest in her daughter's plans for the day. But as you can see, this goes beyond that. And you can just tell when someone is asking you out of genuine interest versus to be an engulfing entity in your life who is not satisfied unless she knows your every move. God forbid I don't hear the phone ring in my purse when she calls. Then I must explain why I missed the phone call and feel sick to my stomach when I notice a missed call. When I tell my fiance these things, he is in complete shock and disgusted with her. He often asks, "Does she think you are married to her?"

All I know is whenever I go out places, whether it be to meet up with friends or run personal errands for myself, it's like the third degree and makes me feel dread and upset to "break the news" to her. I feel like I need to put on this poker face and act like I'm unbothered and completely calm/cool about it - when inside, I am anything but that. It's really a terrible thing to have to go through. The sad thing is you find yourself normalizing this insanity because it's your life on a daily basis. However, when you step back and examine it, when you actually write about it, it becomes clear just how absurd the arrangement you're currently living in is.