Saturday, March 26, 2011

Ever Feel Like Talking is a Competition?

It's been awhile since I posted! School has been pretty hectic as usual, but I decided to take a little time to blog a bit today.

A topic I have been considering for awhile to write about is how frustrating it can be to have a conversation with my NM. I'm not even talking about the irritating comments she can make and how she can turn the silliest and simplest things into a fight. I'm referring to the style of the conversation itself and my NM's behavior during it.

When I am talking about just normal every day things with my NM, I often find myself getting extremely irritated to outright aggravated. First of all, she will take something you could have said in a few sentences and drag it out to the point that you are just waiting in aggravation for her to get to meaning of the story she's telling. There have been times that she actually FORGETS why she was telling the story because she trailed off the main point to such a degree. What the hell is that? I can't even understand why it's so difficult to talk about something with regards only to relevant details.

But this is actually something I can deal with and consider myself to have gotten used to considerably. What else my NM has been doing that I have been having a hard time keeping my patience with and I feel has become a new habit of hers, is overtalking me in conversations. It pisses me off beyond belief and seems to be happening more and more lately. She will say something and I will try to reply/comment, but she will continue talking as though words aren't even coming out of my mouth. I find it so incredibly rude and inconsiderate. I mean, isn't the purpose of conversation because you WANT the other person to talk back to you??

During this times, I feel like I am engaging in a "competition" with her to get my words out and heard. I will say something, and as her words continue to pour out, I keep trying to say whatever comment I had to make louder and louder in an attempt to make her stop talking. It's a horrible, aggravating feeling in my gut. She has to hear me trying to talk, but I guess she just doesn't care.

The major irony in the whole thing is that she often accuses me in fights of "never allowing" her to get a word in edgewise and how I'M the one always overtalking her. Talk about projection.

On a funnier and more light-hearted note, this is a video I posted on WoN several months ago and I feel it fits perfectly with this blog post. As sad as it is, this is EXACTLY how it is to reason with my NM. In fact, the donkey is actually nicer and more civil than she is.

And unrelated to this post, I want to take the time to point out that yet another member (smallbluething) who is a victim of Danu's abuse has come forward. You can read her comment on my blog post about Danu. I find it disgusting that this crap is still going on, but I am totally not surprised. Around the time I made my blog post about Danu, I gathered other information I found via internet searches on her that build upon already existing proof that she is simply up to no good. A blog entry about that will come sometime in the future.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Actually Stepping Back and Seeing

I'm currently going through one of those phases where I am very conscious of the abnormality of my relationship with my NM and her NPD. So much that I actually feel drained over just thinking of the insanity of what I am forced to do on a daily basis because of her.

I think what triggered this is that I finally got Facebook back. It's been a few years since I deleted my last account. The reason I deleted it was because I made my old Facebook connected with my NM's e-mail address. I can't even comprehend at this point HOW or WHY I did that. I can't believe I actually shared an e-mail address with her and created accounts using it. Not only would I use her e-mail, but I would tell her exactly what I was doing - every move I made, every website I registered at. I'd even leave my old e-mail messages without deleting them and she would read them. I actually foolishly believe back then that she didn't read my mail. How could I have been so conditioned to think it was normal to be enmeshed to that extent with your mother at 18 years of age?

So basically I had deleted the Facebook because it was around the time my NM's abusive insanity was reaching its peak and for some strange reason, I couldn't remove her e-mail from the account (probably because it was the one I created it with or something). I was afraid she'd somehow be able to request a password change and be able to stalk my profile. After all, she would continually ask me what my Facebook looked like and if she could see, acting as though she showed an interest when in reality, she just wanted to be in control and make sure there was nothing on my page she'd "object" to.

I made my new Facebook last week and I haven't mentioned it to her, and it's so much better this way. I don't have to hear her constant requests of me "sharing" my page with her and her asking who I'm talking to. But as liberating as it feels to have it without having to tell her anything, I still feel like my NM's leash is around my neck. When certain people add me on Facebook, I have to make sure I hide certain information, basically my relationship status because my fiance is one of the subjects my NM gets abusive over majority of the time. It's so upsetting that I can't just have my relationship status shown to everyone without any fears. Instead, I have to consider who certain people may know and how it could possibly get back to my NM. It's incredibly suffocating.

It's the same feeling when I have to go through my daily ritual with my computer - clear the history, clear the cookies, empty trash - all to make sure she can't snoop in my computer and find completely NORMAL things that she will go insane over and not leave me alone about.

It's so draining. I just don't know how a human being can do this to someone else, much less her daughter.