I'm currently going through one of those phases where I am very conscious of the abnormality of my relationship with my NM and her NPD. So much that I actually feel drained over just thinking of the insanity of what I am forced to do on a daily basis because of her.
I think what triggered this is that I finally got Facebook back. It's been a few years since I deleted my last account. The reason I deleted it was because I made my old Facebook connected with my NM's e-mail address. I can't even comprehend at this point HOW or WHY I did that. I can't believe I actually shared an e-mail address with her and created accounts using it. Not only would I use her e-mail, but I would tell her exactly what I was doing - every move I made, every website I registered at. I'd even leave my old e-mail messages without deleting them and she would read them. I actually foolishly believe back then that she didn't read my mail. How could I have been so conditioned to think it was normal to be enmeshed to that extent with your mother at 18 years of age?
So basically I had deleted the Facebook because it was around the time my NM's abusive insanity was reaching its peak and for some strange reason, I couldn't remove her e-mail from the account (probably because it was the one I created it with or something). I was afraid she'd somehow be able to request a password change and be able to stalk my profile. After all, she would continually ask me what my Facebook looked like and if she could see, acting as though she showed an interest when in reality, she just wanted to be in control and make sure there was nothing on my page she'd "object" to.
I made my new Facebook last week and I haven't mentioned it to her, and it's so much better this way. I don't have to hear her constant requests of me "sharing" my page with her and her asking who I'm talking to. But as liberating as it feels to have it without having to tell her anything, I still feel like my NM's leash is around my neck. When certain people add me on Facebook, I have to make sure I hide certain information, basically my relationship status because my fiance is one of the subjects my NM gets abusive over majority of the time. It's so upsetting that I can't just have my relationship status shown to everyone without any fears. Instead, I have to consider who certain people may know and how it could possibly get back to my NM. It's incredibly suffocating.
It's the same feeling when I have to go through my daily ritual with my computer - clear the history, clear the cookies, empty trash - all to make sure she can't snoop in my computer and find completely NORMAL things that she will go insane over and not leave me alone about.
It's so draining. I just don't know how a human being can do this to someone else, much less her daughter.