Saturday, March 12, 2011

Actually Stepping Back and Seeing

I'm currently going through one of those phases where I am very conscious of the abnormality of my relationship with my NM and her NPD. So much that I actually feel drained over just thinking of the insanity of what I am forced to do on a daily basis because of her.

I think what triggered this is that I finally got Facebook back. It's been a few years since I deleted my last account. The reason I deleted it was because I made my old Facebook connected with my NM's e-mail address. I can't even comprehend at this point HOW or WHY I did that. I can't believe I actually shared an e-mail address with her and created accounts using it. Not only would I use her e-mail, but I would tell her exactly what I was doing - every move I made, every website I registered at. I'd even leave my old e-mail messages without deleting them and she would read them. I actually foolishly believe back then that she didn't read my mail. How could I have been so conditioned to think it was normal to be enmeshed to that extent with your mother at 18 years of age?

So basically I had deleted the Facebook because it was around the time my NM's abusive insanity was reaching its peak and for some strange reason, I couldn't remove her e-mail from the account (probably because it was the one I created it with or something). I was afraid she'd somehow be able to request a password change and be able to stalk my profile. After all, she would continually ask me what my Facebook looked like and if she could see, acting as though she showed an interest when in reality, she just wanted to be in control and make sure there was nothing on my page she'd "object" to.

I made my new Facebook last week and I haven't mentioned it to her, and it's so much better this way. I don't have to hear her constant requests of me "sharing" my page with her and her asking who I'm talking to. But as liberating as it feels to have it without having to tell her anything, I still feel like my NM's leash is around my neck. When certain people add me on Facebook, I have to make sure I hide certain information, basically my relationship status because my fiance is one of the subjects my NM gets abusive over majority of the time. It's so upsetting that I can't just have my relationship status shown to everyone without any fears. Instead, I have to consider who certain people may know and how it could possibly get back to my NM. It's incredibly suffocating.

It's the same feeling when I have to go through my daily ritual with my computer - clear the history, clear the cookies, empty trash - all to make sure she can't snoop in my computer and find completely NORMAL things that she will go insane over and not leave me alone about.

It's so draining. I just don't know how a human being can do this to someone else, much less her daughter.


  1. SO glad to see you posting again! After a couple of weeks I started getting curious.. and then worried for you and your living situation.
    I know very well about the paranoia you're experiencing in regards to your computer/accounts/email.
    Don't put it past her to snoop. Better safe than sorry, ya know?
    I'm glad to hear you're stepping back and observing. I've been doing a lot of that too. Learning about NPD has certainly taken a lot of the anger and confusion I used to feel and replaced it with curiousity and caution. I look at her now as a lab specimen (LOL!)
    I hope you keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. :D

  2. I'm sorry for worrying you! Thank you for your concern..fortunately, my lack of writing hasn't been because of my NM. It's actually because I've had an insane amount of schoolwork and studying.

    And I totally agree, I NEVER put it past her to snoop. She has no shame in snooping - I have seen her do it first hand with my father and now with me. If she finds something she doesn't like in your belongings, she will confront you about it and not even feel wrong in having looked in your belongings. I could never even have a diary because I didn't trust her not to look in it and read my innermost thoughts.

    But it's just so tiring to have to "cover my tracks", if you want to call it that. I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. You know you shouldn't have to take part in this insanity, yet you have no choice. It's just so unfair.

    1. ha, 'cover my tracks' - story of my life. I'm 23 and still living with her (long story), I have to make sure I throw away receipts, delete pictures off my camera, etc. she thinks because she owns this house I have no privacy and everything is hers. I'm planning to get a locksmith in soon and changing the locks, my room is nothing to do with her, it's like she comes in purposely looking for something to argue about what I'm doing wrong, usually something morally wrong and she sometimes keeps 'bits' as evidence of my so-called 'wrongness'. Yup, totally unfair and annoying when, if you're like me, growing up with an NM makes you hate confrontation more than anything. :)

    2. Really, what you just said sounds so identical to my life. I'm also very close to your age. It would be great to talk in detail with you, so if you want to contact me, please e-mail! :)

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  4. OMG! I came across your blog while doing a google search about Narcissistic Mothers and I just about fell off my chair while reading the words "Facebook" in your post. I am a 40-yr-old with a NM and Facebook is a HUGE bone of contention with her - for almost the exact same reasons that you stated. I just want to encourage you to stay strong - I know how exhausting it is to "stay ahead" of a NM's control, and you are definately not alone in your struggles. I am also so impressed that you have been able to do in early adulthood what took me until middle adulthood to do - see things clearly. Hard to do when your engulfing NM controls how you see your world and it takes a lot of courage and emotional maturity to step back and break free.

    I can totally relate to your story. I foolishly let slip to my NM that I had a Facebook page which prompted her to ask, "What's Facebook?" I knew as soon as she said that, that I had made a huge mistake. She wasted no time is setting up her own Facebook account and proceded to call and ask me how she could find me and "friend" me. What I didn't tell her was that I had already blocked her from my account and that's why she was having a hard time finding me. You can bet the $#!^ hit the fan when she found out that little tidbit of info! That was 3 YEARS AGO!! Since then she has never failed to mention in conversation at least once about how offended she is, hurt she is that her own daughter is not her friend on Facebook. All her friends have THEIR daughters as friends on facebook. She has even friended most of my friends and made it known to them that I have blocked her from my Facebook account. Some of my clueless friends (those who are under the spell of my NM's charm) have asked me outright why I would do that. I tell them frankly that it is for their own benefit. That my mother calls me up to 7 times every day (So obviously her friend request on Facebook is for image sake and not for lack of communication with me). During those calls, she usually tells me about one of our mutual friend's postings on Facebook and then procedes to criticize said friend. If my mother were allowed to be my friend on Facebook, I would have to censor every friend's post to my wall because my mother would waste no time in sharing her unflattering opinions of my friends with me. She would also call me promptly to ask why I am wasting time on Facebook when I should be making dinner for my family or cleaning my messy house. She has even un-friended some of our mutual friends after they shared with me how often my NM is on Facebook. Narcissists should be banned from having a Facebook or Twitter account IMHO :0)

  5. I've taken all my siblings off facebook for this same reason. Indirect control and bullying, plus too much 'what a wonderful, caring and close family we all are' BS going on to impress other people. Er 'hello'! They complained about my actions, but what the hell, I enjoy FB now. Mum's passed on now, and my dad hasn't bothered about it(I've cited other reasons that don't reflect on them) so they have no one to complain to, to force me to tow the dysfunctional line. My argument is that they ring,text me or email me(they never do!)No audience for that though, so no NS buzz. xx