The Sadistic Side of Dealing with a N: Sadistic Personality Disorder

As of lately, my NMother has been extremely abusive. She has gone into one of her "nasty" modes and is an absolute horror to live with. I guess this is what is known as intermittent "love" and abuse..and what is pathetic is that I actually fall for her crap every time when she is "loving" and let down my guard, telling her personal and sensitive things that she later uses against me.


But after the intense degree of psychological and physical abuse that has been going on these past days, I think I have really learned my lesson NOT to share things from my heart anymore. I know I always say that when she becomes abusive, but this time it feels different - as though I have learned my lesson and been kicked and bruised enough, figuratively and literally speaking.


Last night, I was thinking - her violent tendencies must be something else in addition to narcissism. She definitely has the traits of NPD. The gaslighting, my God the gaslighting. She can totally recreate reality and seems to honestly believe it. If she truly believes the series of events in various situations the way she does and is not consciously aware of it, I am actually a little scared because she warps reality that badly. She also loves to invalidate my feelings and has an overly inflated ego, believing everyone is supposed to grovel to her for the good she does. That is especially concentrated at me because she was "always the wonderful mother all my life" and I am so "ungrateful" for all she has done for me. Oh yes, wrapping your hands completely around my throat and choking me really makes me love and appreciate you. But getting back to what I was saying, from what I read about NPD, violent tendencies are not usually a key feature of the personality disorder.


So I was searching through information about various personality disorders and I found one that I think might possibly be the answer to her violent ways: Sadistic Personality Disorder. Even though I took psychology, I never heard of it before. Perhaps it's because they took it out of the DSM due to feeling it needed more research. However, it's still considered a valid personality disorder. Here's some info about it:

Has used physical cruelty or violence for the purpose of establishing dominance in a relationship (not merely to achieve some noninterpersonal goal, such as striking someone in order to rob him or her); 

Definitely describes my NM. Her goal since I decided not to be her doormat and go with everything she says is to dominate and control me constantly, and will be an absolute horror when I don't submit and give her "respect" merely because I am her daughter. The fact that she has NO respect for me means nothing; because I am her daughter, she expects respect automatically and doesn't believe it's something that is earned.

Is amused by, or takes pleasure in, the psychological or physical suffering of others (including animals) 

This is actually what made me search for another cause in addition to NPD for her insanity. When she is hitting me, she actually lookshappy in some twisted, evil way. It's hard to describe it, but when she is doing something particularly hurtful (like choking and grabbing onto me to twist my arm/hand), her eyes get really wide and she almost looks like she's smiling, as though she is getting some satisfaction or pleasure out of it. When I fight her, I never feel any of those emotions, only anger and rage, so I'm sure I don't ever look like I'm "smiling" at all. 

Gets other people to do what he or she wants by frightening them (through intimidation or even terror)

My NM used to get away with this when she first started abusing me. Now, I fight against her.

Restricts the autonomy of people with whom he or she has a close relationship, e.g., will not let spouse leave the house unaccompanied or permit teen-age daughter to attend social functions;

DEFINITELY a big trait my NM has. She has restricted my autonomy before I even realized there was something wrong with her to the point that I often feel uncomfortable and helpless in certain social situations that I shouldn't at my age (e.g.: making purchases, going certain places alone, etc.) And because I still live at home with her, she thinks she still has a right to dictate my actions regardless of the fact that I'm over the legal age. 

So I thought this might be helpful to any of you who are dealing with a physically abusive N. I hope they do more research on this disorder and add it back to DSM. Here's the link so you can read more: http://www.ptypes.com/sadisticpd.html